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When do you really know someone? And what’s the best way for developing this full understanding of the person?
I’ve thought about these questions from time to time. I like understanding people. But, reaching that understanding is difficult. It’s a moving target, and you could say it’s the lifelong journey of two soul mates to fully understand each others desires, motivations, and sources of enjoyment.
This brings us to one of those (somewhat annoying) fundamental questions: who is someone? Or, a better formulation of the question, what is the self ?
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, who is now my favorite thinker and writer (although I still can’t spell his name without looking for it), has the answer I was looking for in his book called Flow :
[The self] contains everything else that has passed through consciousness: all the memories, actions, desires, pleasures, and pains are included in it.And more than anything else,the self represents the hierarchy of goals that we have built up, bit by bit, over the years.
the self represents the hierarchy of goals
Our goals, both explicit and implicit, are the greatest contributor to who we are. Bear in mind the word “hierarchy” and that there are tiers of different types of goals that range from “become a neurosurgeon and save the world” to “start a romantic relationship with Sarah” to “keep a good lawn.”
This explanation has a delightful density of meaning, but what does this mean for our relationships?
If we don’t understand the goals of our friends and family, we don’t really understand them.
After reading this definition, I had to ponder to myself, of the people I interact with often, of the people that are close to me, for how many of them do I have an understanding of their goals?
Not many.
So here’s my question for you: is there someone you interact with regularly, someone you consider close to you, whose goals you don’t understand? Is there more than one?
I’ll pose a challenge to you: find a way to understand their goals.
Discussion of goals isn’t a conversation most people are used to having. Some people freak out at the mention of goals. Some people are scared or embarrassed to talk about their goals — they’re very personal things.
To help break the ice and prime the conversation, you might consider sending them a link to this post
-Kevin
10.10.2011
