“Keep jobs in America”, “Buy American”, “Buy Local”

I get it. Support your local economy — the people in your community or country that are most connected to you.

But, at the same time, I don’t get it. It feels superficial and even anti-humanitarian to me.

We’re all on this same journey together. The man in India or Brazil or China is trying to sustain or further himself, just as the rest of us are.

“Death comes for us all”

Insights often come from strange places.  And when I heard this quote in a movie when I was about eight years old, it stuck with me.  As for where I heard this, I’ll tell you some other time, as it might distract from the point of this post.  But the point is, we do have a deadline.

~

Today, an important friend, a centerpiece of my community, was found dead.  This was someone I spoke to at least every other day, and sometimes every day.  And this morning, I walked into the kitchen as I usually do, to find him gone.  And then, only to discover the news.

There have been a string of deaths very close to me over the last 8 months, and the message is starting to reverberate through my head louder and louder:

A key assumption that we make is that we have time.

Everyone knows we each have a deadline waiting for us.  But, it’s unknown when it could be, and therefore easily pushed out of mind.  The consequence is that we’re mostly procrastinators.

Depending on how you calculate it, for a healthy white male at age 25, my life expectancy is supposedly around 75 years old.  I’m not betting on reaching that for various reasons. And, until further notice, I’m going to assume I won’t make it past age 59.  And I’ll feel lucky to make it that far in good health.  I have my reasons for choosing this number.

It might seem bizarre to you to make this assumption.  But I’m already feeling the benefits.

This post actually isn’t a grim one at all, so go back and re-read if you feel it is.  Death gives life meaning and challenge.  Things are easy if you have unlimited time and resources, which is boring.  And if we were all Superman, we wouldn’t have the chance to be brave.  We dilute our opportunities to show courage, to have purpose, to build something that lives longer than our bodies by making the assumption that this is going to go on forever.

It’ll be fun to see what happens between now and 2046.

Kevin
3.17.2012

This blog is a sampling of my consciousness, and it gives me an avenue to speak to others and to speak to no one.  So I’ll put something here I want to say to no one and to everyone at the same time: “Tom, it was an honor and pleasure to have had the chance to spend so much time with you over the years.  Thanks for the lessons.  And I’m happy to have the chance to take you forward in my memories.”

To the Naysayers, Critics, and Haters,

I don’t always do everything right.  I don’t always say the right things.  I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions, and I’ve got a lot to learn.

But nonetheless, I’ve got some incredibly ambitious goals.

Because I know it’s a tragedy to set your goals too low. Life has no meaning without challenge, and I’ve set myself up to have a lifetime of challenge.

And no matter what you or anyone else has to say, those goals aren’t going to get any smaller.  They’re here to stay.

But, go ahead.  Tell me I’m not smart enough.  Tell me I don’t have the connections.  Tell me I don’t have the money, or the influence.  Say anything you like.

I want you to.

I’ve got a chapter in my biography for you.  Here’s the title:

Eat Your Fucking Words

And I’ll be shouting that as I take home the gold, the girl, and the championship belt.

Sincerely yours,

Kevin Vogelsang
2.29.2012

Hopefully you can make use of it yourself with some minor tweaks.  If you can, I think you’re doing some things right.

-Kevin
3.10.2012

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

~

Unfortunately this is reflective of something very important

Most people are cowards that are controlled by fear, not by their highest desires.

Fear of letting others down, fear of embarrassment, these things easily control people.  But, it doesn’t have to be this way.

In my experience, the real problem is the inability to make a decision and commit to it.  Instead, most people end up in the “Half-assed Trap” where they don’t make a decision and therefore cannot take deliberate and directed action.  The consequence is getting nothing that you particularly wanted, or not learning anything, and getting owned by fear.

Dating a girl and serially cheating on them.  Half-heartedly working at a job that you say “is just paying the bills.” These are 2 common examples of cowardice.  For some reason, we live under this wild illusion that not making any decision is better than making the wrong decision.

Everything has an opportunity cost. And at any given time, I can think of other things that would be awesome to do–I think this is the same for most people.  My strategy that I’ve evolved over the years:  Take your options, weigh them in light of what you know about yourself, make a decision with clear rationale, and then “burn the boats” — there is no turning back, no escape routes.

This is an extreme approach.  It may not be necessary or right for you depending on what you’re chasing.  For me, I’m certain that it is. But, we’ll see.

One decision I have made and one thing I do know: I will not suffer the regrets of cowardice, and I will not be saying on my deathbed “I wish I’d had the courage.”

-Kevin
2.26.2012

For one, for people such as my self, romantic relationships can be a bit of an achilles heel.  I’ve created some major personal goals in order to have a lifetime of challenge, and I know this is what I need. Choosing romantic relationships poorly is something that could destroy my ability to reach these. Additionally, relationships take a lot of time, attention, and energy, which are all things I’m short on.

Secondly, I’m at an age where my friends are starting to get married.  It seems to be going well for some of them.  For others, it’s already proven to be a mistake I’m afraid.

These are just two of the reasons this is something that I’d like to unravel with your help.  Below is a discussion of a few items, ideas, and issues that have been raised in discussion to me or I’ve come across in my reading that I’d appreciate any comments on.

Basic assumptions: Monogamous or not?

I think it’s worth starting with base assumptions.  One of the most crucial assumptions for most of us is that we’re going to choose one person, who will be our romantic partner forever.  My favorite author, Mihaly, offers an interesting analysis to get us started:

“There have been endless discussions about whether humans are naturally promiscuous, polygamous, or monogamous; and whether in  terms of cultural evolution monogamy is the highest form of family organization.  It is important to realize that these questions deal only with the extrinisic conditions shaping marriage relationships.  And on that count, the bottom line seems to be that marriages will take the form that most efficiently ensures survival.  Even members of the same animal species will vary their patterns of relationship so as to adapt best in a given environment.  For instance, the male long-billed marsh wren (Cistothorus palustris) is polygamous in Washington, where swamps vary in quality and females are attracted to those few males who have rich territories, leaving the less lucky ones to a life of enforced bachelorhood.  The same wrens are monogamous in Georgia, not so much because that state is aprt of the Bible Belt, but because the marshes all have roughly the same amount of food and cover, and so each male can attract a doting spouse to an equally comfortable nesting site.

The form the human family takes is a response to similar kinds of envirnomental pressures.  In terms of extrinsic reasons, we are monogamous because in technological societies based on a money economy, time has proven this to be a more convenient arrangement.  But the issue we have to confront as individuals is not whether humans are “naturally” monogamous or not, but whether we want to be monogamous or not.  And in answering that question, we need to weigh all the consequences of our choice.

It is customary to think of marriage as the end of freedom, and some refer to their spouses as “old ball-and-chain.” The notion of family life typically implies constraints, responsibilities that interfere with one’s goals and freedom of action.  While this is true, especially when the marriage is one of convenience, what we tend to forget is that these rules and obligations are no different, in principle, than those rules that constrain behavior in a game.  Like all rules, they exclude a wide range of possibilities so that we might concentrate fully on a selected set of options.

Cicero once wrote that to be completely free one must become a slave to a set of laws.  In other words, accepting limitations is liberating.  For example, by making up one’s mind to invest psychic energy exclusively in a monogamous marriage, regardless of any problems, obstacles, or more attractive options that may come along later, one is freed of the constant pressure of trying to maximize emotional returns.  Having made the commitment that an old-fashioned marriage demands, and having made it willingly instead of being compelled by tradition, a person no longer needs to worry whether she has made the right choice, or whether the grass might be greener somewhere else.  As a result a great deal of energy gets freed up for living, instead of being spent on wondering about how to live.”

-Mihaly Cziksentmihalyi, Flow

I certainly have no problem with going against societal norms if it makes sense, but in my experience, and observations of the world, monogamous marriages and relationships seem to have a much greater “ROI” than non-monogamous relationships–if you’re in them for the right reasons.  The value of having a person you can count by itself is huge. And as Mihaly points out, constraining how you live your life also improves your ability to increase the quality of living.

For me, particularly as an extremely private person that hates “complicatedness”, I’m quite certain I’m sold on this one.  But it’s worth thinking about how and why this attitude might vary.

Roles that your spouse might fulfill

In life, there are many roles that you need people to fill in order to help you live a happy and stable life.  When it comes to longterm romantic relationship, I see 7 roles that they might fill:

1. Friend — someone you have fun with and share experiences with
2. Lover — sexual partner
3. Confidante — the person you can tell anything without worrying about appearing to be weak or stupid, source of support
4. Mother/Father of your children — this seems to deserve a separate line item
5. Teacher/Coach — someone you can learn from that wants to help you develop and get better
6. Muse — a source of challenge, inspiration, and energy

No one is perfect, and it might be unreasonable to think that your spouse can fill all of these perfectly at any given time (much less, forever).  It then seems that the best strategy is to have a spouse that fills the roles that are most important for you, and to then fill the remainder of the roles through other relationships.

But, at the same time, I want to say that it’s not unrealistic for someone to learn, over time, how to fill all of these for you.  I’m not sure on this one.

Staying engaged: Forever is a long time

If you go with this idea of picking one person forever, getting bored with each other is a MAJOR concern.  Especially if you don’t like being bored.

Mihaly has a very cogent set of thoughts on this:

“The balancing of challenges and skills is another factor as necessary in enjoying social relationships in general, and family life in particular, as it is for any other flow activity.  When a man and a woman are first attracted to each other, the opportunities for action are usually clear enough.  Ever since the dawn of time, the most basic challenge for the swain has been “Can I maker her?” and for the maid, “Can I catch him?”  Usually, and depending on the partners’ level of skill, a host of more complex challenges are also perceived: to find out what sort of a person the other really is, what movies she likes, what he thinks about South Africa, and whether the encounter is likely to develop into a “meaningful relationship.”  Then there are fun things to do together, places to visit, parties to go to and talk about afterward, and so on.

With time one gets to know the other person well, and the obvious challenges have been exhausted.  All the usual gambits have been tried; the other person’s reaction have become predictable.  Sexual play has lost its first excitement.  At this point, the relationship is in danger of becoming a boring routine that might be kept alive by mutual convenience, but is unlikely to provide further enjoyment, or spark a new growth in complexity.  The only way to restore flow to the relationshiop is by finding new challenges in it.

These might involve steps as simple as varying the routines of eating, sleeping, or shopping.  They might involve making an effort to talk together about new topics of conversation, visiting new places, making new friends.  More than anything else they involve paying attention to the partner’s own complexity, getting to know her at deeper levels than were necessary in the earlier days of the relationship, supporting him with sympathy and compassion during the inevitable changes that the years bring.  A complex relationship sooner or later faces the big question:whether the two partners are ready to make a lifelong commitment.  At that point, a whole new set of challenges presents itself: raising a family together, getting involved in broader community affairs when the children have grown up, working alongside one another.  Of course, these things cannot happen without extensive inputs of energy and time; but the payoff in terms of the quality of experience is usually more than worth it.”

-Mihaly Cziksentmihalyi, Flow

I subscribe heavily to the idea “Life has no meaning without challenge.”  And, if your spouse is someone that challenges you, or is someone that takes on challenges with you, it seems to me boredom won’t be an issue.  So I suppose a good compatibility test might be to answer the question: “is your partner’s interest in taking on challenges commensurate with yours?”

There are some types of challenges that you can foresee that can be talked about directly, such as raising children. But, over a lifetime, there are many challenges that you can’t foresee that you’ll want to or have to engage in.  And if your spouse is the type that just likes to sit back and watch TV all day, and you’re interested in learning to surf, scuba dive, whatever, there’s a high chance boredom comes around very quickly.

Just Making it work

This puzzle of finding the right fit can be enormously complex.  Moreover, humans are pretty terrible at predicting the future.   So it’s possible that the best strategy really is quite simple: find someone that you enjoy and trust, that is also willing and ready to work through whatever life throws at you.  Make a decision and stick with it.

I’ve found that any partnership (business or otherwise) takes a lot of work in order to produce dividends. Things are hard and bad stuff happens.  But it’s only through making the commitment that you really profit.  Without that commitment, you run away too soon at the sign of discomfort.

I’m not sure this is the right strategy, at least not in all cases.  But it’s certainly possible.

~

Just some thoughts.  Comments and discussion are welcome.  You know how to reach me.

-Kevin
2.20.2012

I have a younger brother named Michael.  He’s a junior in high school, smart kid, and a really good football player (starting defensive end on a very good team).

When I was visiting home for the holidays, I learned something interesting: apparently he bakes a whole plate of cookies for all his friends on their birthdays.  And when he doesn’t know someone, but feels he should, he does the same for them as well.

Upon learning this, I thought to myself, “wow, that’s unbelievable.”  I was really impressed, and even inspired.  He’s busy just like the rest of us and does things like this for people.

~

Later, I of course started thinking about this.  Was I ever that kind? Have I gotten overly-selfish?

Making your way out in the world can be tough.  Sometimes you have to be near-ruthless to protect yourself and get what you need.  And amidst all the elbows, calamity, pain, and weariness, I worry we become much colder people.

And very likely, this transformation is needless and counter-productive.

~

I’d been thinking about this for a while.  And then something funny happened the other day….

So there I was, sitting at my computer, feeling lousy.  I was tired from travelling.  I had multiple personal issues spring up that were distressing.  I also hadn’t exercised or written in a while which didn’t help.  I couldn’t concentrate and didn’t have the energy to do anything I wanted to do, so I naturally started wasting some time on facebook.  Then, rather unexpectedly, this message popped up on my screen from a grade school classmate:

Hey Kevin, you probably don’t remember me, but my mom and I saw you guys at christmas eve mass and were talking about back when we were in school. I remember once when I was upset you came over and gave me a hug at recess, I just want to let you know that it meant a lot to me and I’ve never forgotten it. I appreciate how kind you were to me.

Amazing.  She remembered something that happened over 10 years ago, and thought to send me a message.  And it came to me in (what is thankfully) a rare moment of sharp lousiness.  It helped get me back up and at it.

~

Kindness is powerful, and we forget it.  And we become a bit too callous.

Moreover, it doesn’t require great investments, just open eyes and a few moments.  Something small to you could be large to someone else.

Remember?

-Kevin
1.17.2011

“Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness” – Seneca

Image via Wikipedia

The term “Edge of Chaos” stems from observations made by researchers in complexity science.  Here’s the basic idea:

On one side of the spectrum, a system can be highly ordered and in equilibrium.  Imagine a very rigid company that makes a specific amount of a certain widget each month and carries out its function as efficiently as possible.

On the other side of the spectrum, a system can be in chaos, and no longer function as a system.  Imagine a company that was just a room full of 3 year-olds with each of them running in different directions.

Somewhere between these extremes is the “Edge of Chaos” where the system displays the most variety and a rich set of complex behaviors.  Some make the generalization that this is where systems are the most adaptive and creative.

All the things I’ve created thus far in my life that I consider great have come from chaotic times when there were very real and scary consequences for failure.  It’s important to challenge yourself, but there’s a difference between running to beat your best time, and running to escape a lion.  When you’re trying to beat your best time, you run harder.  When you’re being chased by a lion, you run faster than you knew you could and will likely be forced to try new things.

This comes back to a very important principle of my philosophy — define your environment so that the environment defines you in favorable ways.

So, if you want to learn or discover something, you might consider taking some part of your life to the “Edge of Chaos”, a place where you will be challenged, struggle, and will have to innovate to win.  I’m quite certain, that if done correctly, this will lead to a richer and more interesting life–if that is what you want.

-Kevin
12.18.2011

Image via Wikipedia

On attempting to deprive one’s senses

First, an update on my trip to the Sensory Deprivation chamber….

Two weeks ago, I took a trip out to Boylston, MA to a “healing arts center” that had a Sensory Deprivation tank for the purpose of what is called “flotation therapy.”  This trip was a part of my journey in experiencing alternate states of consciousness.

Long story short: The place was about an hour out of Boston. I left with plenty of time.  But, of course, I have a lot of trouble finding this well hidden place.  I try calling them and no one answers of course. I eventually find the place, but the extra half hour of searching made me about 10 minutes late leaving me only about 45 minutes in my appointment.  I quickly get ready and hop in the salt water in the tank.  I lie there floating around, it’s pretty dark.   I’m taller than average, so I bump into the sides of the tank a bit.  This irritates me since its distracting, but I eventually calm down and get to a stable floating state so I’m not bumping into anything.  My mind chatters away like usual when I can’t go to sleep at night.  I eventually start to calm down.  And then. all of a sudden, I see a strong glow of light coming from above my head.  At first I freak out a bit since no light goes into a sensory deprivation tank, right? RIGHT??

I sit up a bit and rest on my elbow (the water is only about a foot deep) and crane my neck to see where the light is coming from.  I see 5 circles with light coming from them.  I sit up a bit and start feeling around the walls of the chamber, did I hit a button that turns on light in these things? are some people into light in the chamber?

As I sit up, unbeknownst to me, water starts to drip down my forehead…..and into my eyes.  I was quite frustrated at this point. Ah! Son of a bitch! Goddamit!! ( I cuss like a sailor sometimes. Bad habit. This is probably the censored version.)

I get the salt-water-in-the-eyes situation remedied, and I lie down trying to at least relax for a bit.  As I lie there, I hear the door slam from someone coming into the building.  I then hear voices of people talking.

I get up and get ready to leave.

Before leaving, I asked, “Is the tank supposed to have light in it?”  Person working: “Yeah.  You can’t let it distract you though.  You just have to relax.”

the hell???

~

Let me think about the steps I went through:

• I heard from a number of sources about sensory deprivation which made me think that it was certainly a novel experience I should try
• I even further researched it online (looking up other sources on the topic, looking at different tank manufacturers), still trying to better understand what it was like
• I found a place and asked about the experience there and what it entailed, which seemed to match up with all the other sources.
• The chamber that the location had was even from one of what was supposed to be one of the leading Sensory Deprivation tank manufacturers (Samahdi Tank Co.)
• I booked an appointment and confirmed my appointment.
• I left on course to arrive more than 30 minutes early
• I had the number in my phone to call in case I got lost

Outcome:

• I was late
• the tank had light in it and I could hear quite easily things going on around me

By going to a chamber professionally made for sensory deprivation, I had assumed that my senses would be effectively deprived.  Maybe there would be some vibrations that they couldn’t block out, but for the most part, it would be dark and quiet. This seems reasonable right?  It’s a quite direct assumption I think.  And alas, this assumption turned out to be blatantly wrong.

I took a number of prudent steps to make sure things went well, but the most basic assumption–that my senses would be mostly deprived–turned out to be blatantly false.

On setting up business meetings

I go to a lot of meetings at major corporations.  For a meeting where you will be meeting with another company to give a presentation, the list of things you need to do is pretty absurd in order to ensure a successful meeting:

• is there definitely a conference phone in the conference room so my colleague can dial in?
• is there a projector?
• do i have the final presentation slides on my computer? who does?
• do i have the final presentation slides on a flash drive in case we can’t use my computer? do we have them in .pdf form in case powerpoint does not work for the other computer?
• do we need to be registered with security?
• do we have access to the conference room a half hour before the meeting start time so that we can get setup and ready?
• is someone available to sign us in early enough for us to get into the conference room and setup before the meeting starts?
• do the attendees from the other side know why they’re coming to this meeting?
• do we know what the other attendees want from this meeting?
• do we have the agenda agreed to?  Is it the “real agenda”?
• are all the attendees on my side properly prepped and know what they need to do?
• do we need some sort of screen sharing technology up and running for remote attendees?  can I set it up externally? or does the hosting party need to set it up internally?
• do I need to have something installed in order to share my screen?
• does everyone understand the goals of the meeting on our end?
• If my colleague’s cell phone dies or doesn’t have signal and can’t dial into the meeting, am I able to present his slides for him?
• What questions do we need to ask?
• What can we find out about the people that will be attending? have we done our research on them as individuals?
• Have I spoken to everyone on the other side of the table before?
• what don’t I know that is going to trip us up?
• do I have my computer? power chord? pen? paper?

I could actually keep going with this list.

the level of risk is probably higher than you think

Taking a careful look at these two examples brings to light how much can (and usually does) go wrong.  It’s true, I’ve shown up at the wrong site (it’s easier than you think).  My boss has gone to a meeting where they didn’t have a conference phone in the conference room. I’ve certainly been to meetings where someone’s time was wasted because they couldn’t get the A/V equipment up and running.  All these things happen and always threaten to derail the mission.

And sometimes even the most basic assumptions are completely wrong.  Check your premises I suppose.

Now scale this up to more uncertain areas of operation.  New relationships. New technologies.  New businesses.  In a more complex system, there are even more things that can go wrong.

It’s hard, but I try, as often as I can, to ask myself,  What are the assumptions I’m making? Are they correct? what are the risks? are there any steps I can take to prevent them?

Bearing in mind how hard it is to go lie down in a pool of saltwater or sit in a room and talk with a group of people in a useful manner, it seems like a damn miracle that anything ever actually works.

-Kevin
10.4.2011

I’ll probably talk more about this sometime soon, but I wanted to introduce something I’m going to be trying this weekend–The Sensory Deprivation Tank.

Here’s a bit of the history from wikipedia:

In neurophysiology, there had been an open question as to what keeps the brain going and the origin of its energy sources. One hypothesis was that the energy sources are biological and internal and do not depend upon the outside environment. It was argued that if all stimuli are cut off to the brain then the brain would go to sleep. [In 1954] Lilly decided to test this hypothesis and, with this in mind, created an environment which totally isolated an individual from external stimulation. From here, he studied the origin of consciousness and its relation to the brain.

A sensory deprivation tank is an enclosure that contains highly concentrated salt water that is dense enough that humans can easily float in the water.  The tank is soundproof and blocks out all light.  The water is set to the same temperature as the skin, which causes the feeling of the body boundary to fade.

We tend to forget how much information our brain is constantly exposed to.  The goal of this apparatus is of course to remove all external stimulation and for the body to lose itself such that we’re left only with our consciousness.

This concept intrigues me greatly, particularly now that I’ve become very attuned to how powerful the brain can be when it is focused on one thing without distraction.

People seem to use this sensory deprivation experience differently.  Some use it for meditation and de-stressing. Others use it for enhancing creativity and for learning purposes.  I’m told some people in these conditions begin to hallucinate wildly. And of course, many people choose to augment the psychedelic experience with additional substances.

I’m extremely curious. I keep envisioning myself in this environment and how I think I’ll react.

Will I freak out?
I can imagine myself panicking–I don’t like being in tight spaces and my brain is hyperactive as it is, so it’s possible my brain heats up like a white hot iron and I’ve got to get out.

Will I achieve prolonged “hyper-focus” (/intense daydreaming)?
Especially when I was younger, I remember sitting in class and suddenly my mind would go off to some place wonderful far, far away.  I was a bit of a space cadet.  Once the daydream ended, I would always long to be back there. (Another altered state of consciousness that we tend to forget.  Will have to write about this one too.)  I can imagine myself regaining this experience for a more prolonged period.

Will my mind be cleared?
It’s hard for me to imagine nothing being on my mind.  If I do go meditatively blank, I better emerge recharged.

Will my creativity gain full control over my mind?
My imagination/creativity is something I’m secretly (not so secretly?) very proud of.  In the absence of the barrage of every day stimuli, perhaps my creativity will be able to take full control and I’ll be able to experience whatever I want, almost like a lucid dream.

I’m trying to not have any expectations for this first experiment. I’m told that it takes some time to be able to fully utilize the experience as you intend.   So this time, I’m just going to go in with an open mind and see what happens.  In subsequent visits, perhaps I’ll take more active control.

-Kevin
9.22.2011

I want you to be a goddam superstar. I want you to be so good at what you do, that you make my skills look like a joke. I want you to be the biggest thing since sliced bread.  That’s right. I do.

Why?

When you blow up and become a mega hit, you’ll take me with you, at least a little bit, whether you meant to or not.

When I see you doing so great, you’ll make me want to catchup with you.  Maybe I’m a little competitive.  Maybe it’s just that your success told me I could do it too.

When your resources have grown with your success, hopefully you’ll be willing to help me because at some point on the road to your spot in the sun, I helped you.

And when our paths cross again, when you’ve made it big, I hope I see you happy, full of purpose, and immersed in your life, work, love, and role. (Isn’t that the definition of success?) That stuff spreads too.

I’m rooting for you, and I’ve got your back.

-Kevin
9.19.2011